As much as this should be put in my private blog, I've decided to go ahead and put it on both.
I have a broken heart that has been trying to mend throughout the last yr. Perhaps I should explain, but before I go any further, please know that this post is not intended to get any pity or attention from anyone but simply to allow others into a part of me that I'm now ready to share. I was told that it would be good for me.
On July 25th of last yr, my whole world was torn apart. I lost my mother and almost lost myself as well. Perhaps I should clarify....What I mean is, I lost the will that each of us needs to have everyday. The will to go on, the will to keep on living the life that my mom would have wanted. The will to just be. I stayed to myself and alienated everyone around me that resulted in things that I now am sorry for. I didn't eat for weeks and just wanted to be left alone. Then when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, they did. That's a whole other blog that I'm not ready to discuss because of all the anger that it brings. But anyway, that situation resulted in my having to not only lose my childhood home but also having to lose the only grandparent that I've ever known.
My mother was the rock that held our family together. She was the stronger one that both my father and I depended on. She was the center of my entire world. We were very close and when my father and I lost her, we lost ourselves. There was no end or beginning to each day. It was just time that passed with no ending. It was hard. Boy has it been so hard, but by some strange miracle, we have survived and I can now say that we are going to be ok. This past yr has been a great struggle for me and my dad. We have gone through numerous heartaches and it seems that there are not enough tears to cry for what we've been through.
These past few days, I have been trying my hardest to keep my mind occupied trying to ignore that each day the 25th comes closer. It's been hard but I've managed to do so. However, there have been a couple of moments that have hit me hard and that's expected because I know that it's something that I can't ignore and to be honest, I really don't want to. I know that that emptiness and pain will never go away, but it's not as bad as it use to be. I can now get up in the morning and smile. I can laugh when someone says or does something funny. I can now remember my mom w/o much heartache anymore but instead with happiness. And most of all, I can now look at her picture and smile. The tears still fall but now they are accompanied with warm thoughts and memories.
I do know that I have not made this journey alone. Aside from my father, aunts and uncles and cousins, I am very grateful for my friends. I honestly have no idea what I'd do w/o them, friends especially. My best friends Sylvie, Matt and my dear beloved Chris have done so much for me in just being there with open arms, ears and hearts. If it wasn't for their phone calls, company, e-mails or distractions, I have no idea what I would have done. Along the way, I've also managed to make a special connection with some of my online friends as well. Angelica (MG), Rose, Grey and Carlos have not only provided me with moments of wonderful laughter but have often kept me occupied in times when I really needed it. I hope that they know that there have been several nights where I thought that I'd go mad if it had not been for their conversation. I am grateful to the late night chats that each one has provided me with either as a group or individually. And I am also grateful for the concern that they've each shown me in their own way either thru AIM, DMs or txts. I truly love each and everyone of them and I hope that they know that they hold a special place in my heart.
