Monday, July 27, 2009

The Snake Farm!

Being that Saturday was a yr since losing mom, we decided to go and do something that we were all suppose to do together instead of staying at home depressed and sad. I know that that's what mom would have wanted :) So dad and myself decided to pick up Nick, my god-brother and spend the day together. Mom always wanted to take nick to the Snake Farm in New Braunfels so we decided to go ahead and make that trip to fulfil mom's wish. We had alot of fun!

The place is divided into two sections, the snake farm and the petting zoo. It's not really big but big enough to enjoy. A nice little tourist attraction along the highway. The Snake Farm housed many different kinds of snakes, turtles, crocs and other reptiles. The sm section that had animals was cute. There were birds, monkeys, longhorns (no surprise there, we are in TX after all), a couple of zebras, pigs and quite a fewother animals.

It ended up being a nice fun day. We stayed there for about 2 hrs. On the way home, we talked about mom which was good for all of us. It was a good day :)

Pictures from the Snake Farm :)

Friday, July 24, 2009

A yr ago today

A yr ago today, my heart was broken and my whole world was turned upside down! At the time, I never thought that I'd survive. I never pictured that my life would go on the way it has. What seemed impossible at the time has become a reality. I was able to make it and am ready to move forward, I think. This blog entry may not make any sense, but it makes sense to me. I love you mom and I will always hold you not only in my memory but forever in my heart. I miss you so much, but I'm gonna be ok...

Monday, July 20, 2009

It will soon be a year...

As much as this should be put in my private blog, I've decided to go ahead and put it on both.
I have a broken heart that has been trying to mend throughout the last yr. Perhaps I should explain, but before I go any further, please know that this post is not intended to get any pity or attention from anyone but simply to allow others into a part of me that I'm now ready to share. I was told that it would be good for me.

On July 25th of last yr, my whole world was torn apart. I lost my mother and almost lost myself as well. Perhaps I should clarify....What I mean is, I lost the will that each of us needs to have everyday. The will to go on, the will to keep on living the life that my mom would have wanted. The will to just be. I stayed to myself and alienated everyone around me that resulted in things that I now am sorry for. I didn't eat for weeks and just wanted to be left alone. Then when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, they did. That's a whole other blog that I'm not ready to discuss because of all the anger that it brings. But anyway, that situation resulted in my having to not only lose my childhood home but also having to lose the only grandparent that I've ever known.

My mother was the rock that held our family together. She was the stronger one that both my father and I depended on. She was the center of my entire world. We were very close and when my father and I lost her, we lost ourselves. There was no end or beginning to each day. It was just time that passed with no ending. It was hard. Boy has it been so hard, but by some strange miracle, we have survived and I can now say that we are going to be ok. This past yr has been a great struggle for me and my dad. We have gone through numerous heartaches and it seems that there are not enough tears to cry for what we've been through.

These past few days, I have been trying my hardest to keep my mind occupied trying to ignore that each day the 25th comes closer. It's been hard but I've managed to do so. However, there have been a couple of moments that have hit me hard and that's expected because I know that it's something that I can't ignore and to be honest, I really don't want to. I know that that emptiness and pain will never go away, but it's not as bad as it use to be. I can now get up in the morning and smile. I can laugh when someone says or does something funny. I can now remember my mom w/o much heartache anymore but instead with happiness. And most of all, I can now look at her picture and smile. The tears still fall but now they are accompanied with warm thoughts and memories.

I do know that I have not made this journey alone. Aside from my father, aunts and uncles and cousins, I am very grateful for my friends. I honestly have no idea what I'd do w/o them, friends especially. My best friends Sylvie, Matt and my dear beloved Chris have done so much for me in just being there with open arms, ears and hearts. If it wasn't for their phone calls, company, e-mails or distractions, I have no idea what I would have done. Along the way, I've also managed to make a special connection with some of my online friends as well. Angelica (MG), Rose, Grey and Carlos have not only provided me with moments of wonderful laughter but have often kept me occupied in times when I really needed it. I hope that they know that there have been several nights where I thought that I'd go mad if it had not been for their conversation. I am grateful to the late night chats that each one has provided me with either as a group or individually. And I am also grateful for the concern that they've each shown me in their own way either thru AIM, DMs or txts. I truly love each and everyone of them and I hope that they know that they hold a special place in my heart.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Love = Happiness: Good thing or bad?

LOVE, such a small word that comes with so much baggage. It can make you crazy, mad, smile and cry all at the same time. But most important of all, love can make you HAPPY. Thus bringing the question is that happiness all worth it and is it a good or bad thing?
Well.....Good because, well who doesn't want to be happy? Is that not the thing that everyone looks for, happiness? Happiness makes you want to get up in the morning. Happiness allows you to overlook things that usually annoy you. Happiness makes you smile and feel confidant....So, why would it be a bad thing?
Hmm...let's see. Well, happiness can sometimes become annoying to others around you thus pushing those that you love away. Happiness can sometimes make you choose between what makes you happy and what makes others happy. And, as quickly as happiness comes, it can leave, sad and scary but true. So what do you do?

Personally, I am doing what's right for me and what makes me happy. I like to get up every morning and feel good, that's healthy! Yes I may annoy others with my happiness, but I do it with hope that they'll be lucky enough to feel the same thing I'm feeling. If my friends are truly my friends, they shouldn't make me choose between my happiness and them and instead should just be there for me as I have always been there for them. And most of all, yes there's that chance that this happiness may one day end and I might get hurt in the process, and it is scary as hell!! But I stop and think about something. How would I be right now, if I didn't have this happiness with me? I think that I'd rather take that chance and enjoy it right now that I have it rather than living with that regret of wondering what would have been.

A very wise person once said that we shouldn't be scared to live because then we'll miss out on great things. Well living in the moment is what makes me happy, so that's what I'm doing.
Here's to being happy in love! And remember...."Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness". ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sunday, July 5, 2009

*ls*fjfh^ae%*fi_*edjs&#d* = (My Weekend)

Warning!! This is one of those ranting blogs where I have to write down my feelings as suggested by the the brilliant RoRo (@rose_flores).

This past weekend was one that was filled with days that contained every emotion imaginable. As you recall that my one tweet (Confused!! Very confused, frustrated, excited, happy, aggravated all mixed into one!! Grrr...7/04 1:54AM) pretty much explains this blog entry in a nutshell. Friday evening was great. Went out, had fun and then things went from great to woah! That's the best word to describe it. I got home that night w/mixed emotions but after a few exchanged texts with @Rose_flores and @IamGrey, I started to feel ok.

Saturday morning came. I woke up feeling rather excited b/c I was gonna participate in learning how to dance the Tango with a very special person. The class went well, we had alot of fun, things were great. Even more so b/c that night I had a real good convo on AIM w/my dear friend @iamgrey. I was back in my happy place!

Sunday.......all happiness went to HELL!! That's all I'm saying...

Which brings me to the main point of this blog entry.....What do you do when the one thing that you want most is right there in front of you, for you to take whenever you want it mind you, and it scares the f---ing sh*t out of you to go and take it!!
That is me right now!!

Wow, it really helps when you are able to read what you are thinking! I might just do the whole journal thing that RoRo suggested after all. Anyway, that's what is on my mind right now on 7/06 at 2:43 in the morning! I'm back in my happy place :)